


The Straw Hats in Key West

by beautybydaysi



Category: One Piece, The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Crossover, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, No Smut, Post-Time Skip, Silly Trio (One Piece)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-04-23 17:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19155397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautybydaysi/pseuds/beautybydaysi
Summary: Mulder and Scully are investigating a case involving a certain skeleton. They end up discovering far more disturbing specimens.ORThe X Files gets shut down again, but it's the Straw Hats' fault.(Currently being edited to perfection. The author's writing skills were rusty.)





	1. 48 Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in The X Files universe in the 90s and Devil Fruits exist.

_48 hours prior to the takedown of The Straw Hat Pirates:_

_FBI Headquarters_

_12 pm on Thursday, June 3rd, 1999  
_

 

 

 

Mulder throws an orange pencil at the ceiling and hums the chorus of Elvis Presley’s song ‘Hound Dog’. A light knock on the door startles him, Mulder stops his humming as he looks at the door. _Who could it be now? I didn’t order pizza!_ He thinks.

The door opens and Scully pokes her head in.  He exhales, “I thought you were an alien who had my pizza.”

Scully raises an eyebrow at that and smiles then frowns when she remembers what she came down here for. “Mulder, we have a case to do.” She walks into the room and closes the door behind her. She continues, “It’s about a skeleton that people have been seeing in the city of Key West, Florida.”

Mulder fumbles with the pencil in his hand and it falls on the ground. He sits up straight then excitedly says, “I’m listening.”

Scully walks over to Mulder’s desk, she slaps a beige folder onto it, opens the folder and points to the first paper containing what Mulder assumes is an itinerary. She informs him, “We’ll need to search the death certificates and local obituaries. Perhaps the skeleton was a local.”

Mulder leans over to pick up the pencil from the floor and throws it at the ceiling, but the pencil hits Scully in the forehead. Scully’s right eye twitches and she thinks, _Don’t freak out. Stay calm._ Twitch twitch.

Mulder doesn’t seem to notice Scully trying to calm herself down. He asks, “Okay, when should we leave for Key West?”

Scully looks at the calendar on Mulder’s desk then back at him. “I booked a flight to Miami already. We should arrive at Miami International Airport at 9:45 AM tomorrow morning. Rent a car then drive down. There’s an airport in Key West, but I figured that you’d want to explore the area before we investigate.”

Mulder gasps, “So soon? We barely know anything!” He stands up and flails his arms around. “Do we at least have pictures of this skeleton, Scully?” Mulder frowns and crosses his arms. 

“Of course we do. You think we’d travel all that way to investigate a skeleton we don’t even know?” Scully cards through the file folder and pulls out three grayscale photographs. Mulder shakes his head and grins, “Nope.” He picks up the photos and scans them into the computer. Scully pulls down a white screen for the projector and turns the projector on, “Thought so.”

_Photo #1 is a poorly lit photo: it shows the skeleton on a stage playing an instrument while seven figures drink at a round table. Three figures are dancing near the stage._

_Photo #2: The skeleton is walking with two men. One man is going the wrong way, and the other is pulling him by the collar._

_Photo #3: The skeleton is walking to what appears to be a large pirate ship. It has a lion figurehead._

Mulder grins and points to the first photo, “Wait a minute, this skeleton must be a musician! Scully! A musician! How cool is that?!”

Scully narrows her eyes and frowns as she steps back to get a better view of the screen. “Oh, a musician you say. Is it even a _real_ skeleton or is it a costume?”

Mulder presses a button on the remote; the second photo appears. He points at the skeleton in the photo then to the two men beside it, “ _Scully_ , that skeleton seems to be seven feet tall. I don’t think it’s a costume. If it was, that’d be really impressive.”

Scully rests a hand on her hip and huffs, “ _Hmph._ We’ll see about that, Agent Mulder.” She shakes her head and thinks, _This wasn’t what I had in mind when I joined the X Files. We’re going on a goose chase after a skeleton!_

Mulder opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it when he hears a knock at the door. Scully and Mulder share a glance.

Scully gestures her head to the door. “You open the door!”

Mulder frowns and points at Scully. “No, you!” He sticks out his tongue and laughs.

Having failed Mulder’s silly game, Scully begrudgingly walks to the door and opens it. Her face lights up when she sees the best agents in the FBI, besides herself and Mulder, standing in the hallway outside the door; Special Agent Doggett and Monica Reyes.

Monica Reyes’s eyes roam Scully’s slender body, starting from Scully’s head to her black flats. Monica smirks, “Hello Agent Mulder and Agent Scully.”

Scully, oblivious to the look in Monica’s eyes, matches her smile and asks, “What brings you down here, Monica?”

Monica grins, “Agent Doggett and I will be assisting you on this case.” 

Mulder rubs his hands together and grins, “We’re going to have a fun case.”

The agents get a surprise when Skinner pushes the agents aside and steps through the threshold. He has a frown on his face, “Sorry, Agents. I had to include them because this is a very serious case.”

Scully raises an eyebrow, “How so?”

“Let’s talk about this inside.”

The agents step into the crowded office, Scully shuts the door and locks it.  Skinner sits down in a chair by Mulder’s desk then sighs and says, “Agents, you will investigate not one, but ten potentially dangerous individuals.”

Scully narrows her eyes and folds her arms over her chest, “Potentially dangerous?”

Skinner nods, “The locals have seen them in bars, drinking their alcohol dry and eating all of their food supply in one sitting... They docked at a port in Key Wes-”

She holds her hand out to stop him, “Wait, we’re investigating pirates? This is the X Files. Let the Key West police deal with that.” She recrosses her arms.

Skinner adjusts his glasses and sighs, “Yes they’re pirates, but not just normal pirates.”

Three of the agents raise their eyebrows. Scully rolls her eyes, “What about it?”

 “They all have some power.”

“Do you know anything about them?” Scully asks.

“No eyewitnesses are brave enough to disclose that information.” Skinner frowns and looks up at the ceiling. Then smiles to himself at the sight of the many pencils stuck in the panel by the light. _Wow, he sure does have a lot of free time!_

Mulder raises his arms in the air and cheers, “We’re going into this without a damn clue. This is going to be fun!” He lowers his arms.

Everyone but Mulder facepalms. The difficulty of the hunt always seems to attract Mulder to it, but the others just want a less difficult case for once! Not that searching for aliens is an easy task, but it at least makes it worthwhile when you’re with the best agents.

Skinner frowns as he stands up from the chair and looks at Mulder.   “Mulder, please be careful,” Skinner turns to the agents and his frown deepens, “We can’t have you guys getting hurt on my watch. That being said, please don’t provoke the pirates. You need to act like them.” _Okay, maybe not exactly..._ He thinks.

Mulder cocks his head to the side, “How do you act like a pirate?”

Skinner takes off his glasses dramatically and puts them on the desk. _I’ve got this. Just tell him. I hope the agents forget about this. If they do, they’ll never live it down!_ He mentally prepares himself for the embarrassing act and exhales. After mustering up the courage, Skinner grins, puts his arm around Mulder and says, “Arrrr, me m-matey, uh, I hear you arrre a wanted man.”

Scully growls, “No, I will _not_ talk like that the entire time!”

Mulder pouts, “Come on, Scully, it’ll be fun!” He grins, “Arrrrrre you ready to steal some pirate booty?”

Monica speaks up, “Mulder, please stop. I agree with Scully. Besides, what if these pirates are actually very smart?”

Skinner has the sudden realization that teaching Mulder how to talk like a pirate was a terrible idea.  _I did an awful thing. I’m going to lock myself in my office for the rest of the day._

Mulder pouts and folds his arms, “I'm being a pirate. You guys go ahead and be uncool. If you all die because you’re not acting like them, then so be it.”

The others exhale in defeat because they know full well that Mulder will definitely speak like a pirate the entire time. They share a collective thought, _Please don't. That’ll get old fast._

Skinner apologizes then turns to leave. He says over his shoulder, “Please have your report in by Monday. Enjoy your ‘vacation’ in Key West.” He looks at Mulder. “There will be plenty of sunflower seeds for you, Mulder.” Skinner grins then unlocks the door, turns the corner and runs to the shutting elevator door at the end of the hall.

Scully sits down on the side of Mulder’s desk and sighs, “Everyone, go home and pack for warm weather. We have a plane to catch at 6 am tomorrow.”

Mulder cheers, “Yay!”  

Agent Doggett raises an eyebrow, “Why are you so excited, Mulder?”

“Oh, you know…” Mulder grins, “We’re going to be capturing pirates!”

“Are you sure you should be that excited?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?” Mulder frowns.

“Well, what if you end up being their best friends? Then you’ll have to capture them and put them in prison. Wouldn’t that upset you?”

“Hell yes. It would be sad.”

“Well then, we better get going before Mulder cries.” Monica laughs. She kisses Scully’s cheek and leaves with Agent Doggett. He gives her a high five and she blushes, “Oh crap, I did that.”

“Heck yeah you did!”

Their voices fade away as they walk down the hall.

Scully contentedly sighs.

Mulder somehow found an untouched yellow container of playdough, _Where the heck did this come from?_ He opens it, _Huh, fully intact. Awesome._ He pulls it out and notices that the color is green, _Such a peculiar color._ Mulder sets the container on a file cabinet and pulls the playdough apart. It slips out of his hands and onto the floor. He has a great idea, “Hey, Scully?”

 Scully turns to look at him, “Yes, Mulder?”

“Are you excited to see Monica in a bikini?” Mulder smirks and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Scully blushes and folds her arms, “Pffft, N-No. She would probably wear a one-piece.”

Mulder laughs, “ _Sure_ , whatever you say, Scully.” He takes off his jacket and dangles it over his shoulder, “See you tomorrow at the airport.”

Scully manages to stop blushing and shouts at Mulder as he's walking out the door, “Don't forget to bring the sunblock!”

“I’ll bring it.” He shouts back.

_Good. I don't want a sunburn!_ Scully thinks.

She frowns when she notices the playdough on the ground, she groans, “Dammit, Mulder, why are you so messy?!” Scully wastes no time picking up the playdough and putting it back in the container.

 

* * *

 

_The whereabouts of the Straw Hat Pirates._

_Key West, Florida_

_12 pm_  

 

Ah, let's check on our beloved Straw Hat Pirates.

Currently, Luffy is on top of the Southernmost Point monument. Luffy is cheering, “Woohoo!”

Usopp is yelling at him to come down, “L-Luffy! Get down from there! Chopper, do something!”

Chopper changes into Heavy Point and climbs the monument, he struggles to grab his rubbery captain off of it, “Luffy, the Marines are coming!”

“Where are they? Let’s get ‘em!” Luffy untangles his arms, holds onto his straw hat and jumps to the ground.

Chopper becomes small again and jumps onto Luffy's shoulder, “Okay there aren't any marines.”

Luffy pouts, “Aw man, I wanted an adventure.” He scans the area and sees a bar, he points at it, “Let's go there!”

All three of them skip to the bar, well Luffy and Usopp skip to the bar.

On the way there, they stop to see Nami yelling at a poor shopkeeper, “Listen, I want these for cheaper!”

The shopkeeper is sweating profusely, “Ma’am, I can't knock down the price! We’re a franchise.”

“I want these for 90% off! I don't have many beris to spend right now!” Nami yells back.

“Berries? Huh?” The shopkeeper asks.

“Wait… What's the currency here?” Nami asks calmly with a hand on her hip.

The shopkeeper scratches his head, “US dollars.”

Nami grabs everything on the counter, places two coins on the counter and runs away in the direction of the ship.

The shopkeeper yells, “Hey get back here! You paid with weird money!”

The silly trio continues on their skip to the bar. They arrive and have now stopped skipping. Luffy sets Chopper on the floor. The three of them sit at a table, where Robin and Jinbe have been reading books.

Nothing is out of the ordinary, yet, except for the fact that Brook has joined a band and is now singing with Jimmy Buffett.

_Cheeseburger in Paradise! (Paradise)_

_Heaven on earth with an onion slice. (Paradise)_

_Not too particular, not too precise. (Paradise)_

_I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise._

Franky is dancing on the dance floor and shouting, “Super!”

Suddenly, Zoro walks in covered in seaweed with a big fish stuck in his haramaki. He grumbles, “Shitty ero-cook.”

All eyes turn to him, the band stops playing, everyone bursts into laughter.

Sanji appears behind him and kicks the poor swordsman in the butt, causing him to stumble forward. Sanji smirks between his cigarette, “That's what you get for getting lost, marimo.”

A waiter giggles as he places a bucket for Zoro to discard the seaweed, as he puts it down he notices the fish stuck in Zoro’s haramaki. The waiter blushes and says, “Whoa, if you remove that fish from your…” He looks at Zoro’s crotch, “bellywarmer, we can cook up that fish for you.” He stands up straight, but doesn’t stop staring at Zoro’s crotch.

Zoro notices where the man is looking, tries not to blush and clears his throat, “My eyes are up here.”

Sanji laughs and responds to the waiter’s proposition, “Please do that.” He taps Zoro’s shoulder, Zoro turns to face him. Sanji pulls back the haramaki and captures the fish. He walks with the waiter to the kitchen and disappears behind the door.

Zoro sighs and removes all of the seaweed. He looks up to see Robin smirking at him, then he feels hands sprout out of his back and push him towards the bar.  _I guess I'm taking too long._ He thinks. Zoro pulls up a bar stool, sits down and orders, “I’ll have whiskey on the rocks.”

The tall tan black-haired bartender says, “I need to see ID, sir.”

Zoro raises an eyebrow, “ID?”

“Identification, sir.”

Robin manifests a mouth on a hand, whispers in his ear, “They have these items called identification, it proves that you exist.”

He whispers back, “I want to go back to the New World.”

The bartender raises his left eyebrow, “Sir, I need your identification.”

Robin pats down the swordsman and finds a pocket, she pulls out a state ID, then whispers again, “Use this.”

He harshly whispers, “I don’t remember getting that…” He shakes his head and the hand with a mouth on it disappears. He hands the ID to the bartender. The man inspects the ID and says, “Thank you, sir… Zoro. Hmmm.” He prepares Zoro’s drink and sets it down, “What brings you to Key West, Zoro?”

“My crew and I were traveling from Dressrosa and we got terribly lost.”

“Dressrosa? Where is that?”

Zoro stirs his drink, “That’s in the New World…”

“What the heck is the New World?” The bartender cleans the counter with a rag. _This man is on drugs or something…_ He thinks.

“Okay, okay, where are we?” Zoro drinks his whiskey.

“Key West, Florida. United States of America.”

Zoro narrows his eye and almost spits out his drink, “Where?” He composes himself and downs his drink, “Nevermind don’t answer that.” 

 _Okay, he is definitely on something or he has amnesia._ The bartender thinks as he grabs Zoro’s drink to refill it.

A chef wearing a rainbow colored hat steps out of the kitchen with a huge plate of steaming cooked yellowtail, he sets it down on a counter and turns to the bartender, “Hey, baby, can you get this for me?”

“Sure thing, sugar!” The bartender gives the chef a kiss on the lips then walks to the designated Straw Hat table.

Zoro’s eye is so wide his left eye almost opens, he turns to face the entrance and sees that the name of the bar is Bourbon Street Pub. Robin smirks at him and giggles, then whispers in his ear with her ability, “Surprise, this is a gay bar.” Zoro lets out a breath, he didn’t know he was holding in.

The bartender grins and announces, “Thank you, Straw Hat Luffy, for coming to Bourbon Street Pub, please enjoy your meal!”

“How do you know my name?” Luffy asks.

“We knew you guys were coming; our neighboring bars have told us of your arrival.” The bartender grins.  

Sanji comes out of the kitchen with yet another huge plate, but this time it's Snapper. He walks over to their table and asks, “Where’s Nami-san and Vivi-chan?”

Robin smiles, “They’ll be here soon.” Just as she says that Nami walks in with Vivi.

Vivi says, “Nami-san, I can’t believe we walked all the way from the store to the ship just to drop off your _stolen_ clothes.”

Nami giggles and pats her shoulder, “Vivi, live a little! You know you enjoyed it!"

Vivi sighs and sits down at the table, Nami follows. Luffy stuffs a whole fish in his mouth, almost chokes and clears his throat, “Zoroooo, join us!” He grabs Zoro with a stretched arm and yanks him to a seat. The bartender and the chef’s eyes bulge out and they hug each other.

 

Lunch was very eventful that day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	2. 24 Hours Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Straw Hats encounter two strange men. The FBI agents have a traveling montage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if any of the characters are out of character. Be prepared for fluff.

1 day prior to the take down of The Straw Hat Pirates:

Thousand Sunny in Key West, Florida

Friday, June 4th, 1999

 

It's now 5 am for the Straw Hats; everyone is slumbering in their hammocks. Sanji shifts to his side, he’s being trapped by a cuddly mossball. _Damn, Marimo, let me go._ He thinks. He sighs, “Marimo, come on, I need to prepare breakfast.” He struggles to pry the moss’s hands off of him. He only receives a grunt. “Zoro!” Sanji whispers in Zoro’s ear. 

 Zoro frees the cook and flips to his right side. Luffy, Chopper and Usopp are sprawled out on the floor. So, he grabs the closest victim’s hand and cuddles with it. _Gross, who knows where Luffy's hands were…_ Sanji thinks, as he stifles a laugh.

Sanji climbs out of bed and  walks to his locker; he changes out of his pajamas into his fancy polyester suit. _I should check on Brook in the crow’s nest._ He buttons his suit jacket closed. 

As he strolls onto the deck, there's a small breeze. He smells the salty sea air, exhales and smiles. _It’s gonna be a good day._ Sanji walks up to the crow's nest and pops his head in, “You need anything?” 

Brook jumps, “Oh! Hello, Sanji-san, I was just about to ask you for tea.”

“Any special flavor?” Sanji asks.

“Did you buy Key Lime tea?”

“Does that even exist?” Sanji raises his visible curly eyebrow

“Yes, Zoro-san said he discovered some in a shop when he was wandering.” 

“Tch, I’ll see if the mosshead bought that. Come down and I’ll make it for you.” Sanji climbs down the latter and jumps down.

“Okay, I'll be there in a minute, I need to get my violin.” Brook shouts Dow loud enough for Sanji to hear. 

“Wait, Brook, you better not be planning something!” He shouts back and heads to the kitchen. He stops by the door to light a cigarette and waits for Brook.

“Yohohohohohoho.” Brook only laughs, he grabs his violin and climbs down the crow's nest. He pats Sanji on the shoulder with his boney hand and they walk in.

Inside the galley, there are three bags on the table and a note attached to one that says in sloppy handwriting, _“Ero-cook, I bought these in the town today. -Zoro”_

Sanji and Brook sort through them. Brook looks at Sanji and blushes, “Sanji-san, this bag is for you… Yohohohoho.” He hands the bag to Sanji. 

Sanji peers into the bag and shouts, “ZOROOOOO!” 

Zoro–still holding the very much asleep Luffy's hand, who's dragging Usopp along with him–rushes into the galley with one sword drawn, “What, cook?!” Zoro turns around and notices that he brought people with him. _Oops._ Zoro sheathes his sword then he lets go of Luffy's hand and places Luffy & Usopp outside the galley. Luffy wraps himself around the probably unconscious long-nosed sniper. He returns to the galley and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. “What do you need, cook?” He calmly says.

Sanji clears his throat, “Why is there a bag that has weird stuff in it?”

“What’s in the bag?” Zoro scratches his head.

 “Mustaches, clothes that would look good on Nami-swan, Robi-” Sanji has to stop before he has a nosebleed. 

“Oh yeah, about that…” Zoro pauses and rubs the back of his neck, “I thought we were being followed, so I told Robin and the sea witch when I found them. Then they took me on a shopping spree and bought disguises for the crew.” 

“Wait, why didn't you tell me they brought you on a shopping spree?! And why didn't you tell the crew about us being watched?” Sanji wails and Brook gives him a tissue.

“Because we’ll discuss this in the morning. I'm going back to bed now.” Zoro doesn't wait for a reply then picks up the entangled Luffy and Usopp. He makes his way to the men's quarters. Sets the two down in a bed and makes sure that Usopp hasn't died from Luffy's grip. He successfully untangles the duo and lays down on the bunk next to them. Poor Chopper becomes the next cuddle victim. 

 

Meanwhile, in the galley, Brook and Sanji have finished sorting the bags. One bag contained twenty stolen Key Limes, three recipe books, a map of the Florida Keys and Key Lime tea. The second bag contained seashells.

 “Zoro-san must have collected those seashells for you, Sanji-san.” Brook remarked. 

Sanji was thankful that he was facing the stove, otherwise Brook could see his blush. “Tch, I doubt Marimo even picked those. What if it was Luffy who collected them?” He waited for his blush to go away and placed the tea on the table. He walked back to the kitchen and started the coffeemaker for his lovely Robin-chan and Nami-san.

“Zoro-san was soaked when he walked into the bar yesterday, remember?” Brook tried to jog Sanji's memory.

“Oh, you're right. And that fish I pulled out of his haramaki.” Sanji remembered.

“There was a fish in Zoro-san’s haramaki? Yohohohohoho!” Brook laughed and hit the table multiple times.

“Brook, finish your tea and get out of my kitchen!” Sanji raised his leg to kick the skeleton then his hip made a noise, and he lowered his leg.

“Sanji-san, didn't Chopper-san tell you to stretch more?” Brook sipped his tea. 

“Yeah… I totally forgot because the shitty swordsman has been wanting-” Sanji avoided a shoe thrown at his head. 

Brook and Sanji turn to face the door and see Zoro with Chopper on his head. The swordsman crosses his arms, “Cook, I dare you to complete that sentence.” 

Sanji smirks, “Or what? What can a half-asleep swordsman do?” 

“I‘m gonna take you to the Marines.” 

“The Marine Ball? Oh, I would love to go!” Sanji swoons at the thought of many beautiful marine women, “Ah, the forbidden love between marines and pirates.” 

 Brook asks quietly, “The Marine ball?”

“No, dumbass cook! You know what! I'm going to bed!” Zoro lies on his back and falls asleep instantly. Chopper snuggles up to the swordsman’s chest. 

Brook says to Sanji, “Quick, Sanji-san, take a picture!” 

Sanji picks up the camera snail and takes a photo of the adorable duo. 

Brook asks, “Sanji-san, what time is it?” 

“It’s 5:30 am.” 

“When does the sun rise?”

“6:30 am. Wait a minute, Brook, you better cancel your plans!” 

“Yohohohohohoho!” 

Sanji sighs, picks up the shoe Zoro threw, sets it on the floor near the couch then sits down across from Brook at the table, “Are you ever going to bed? You've been doing night watch.” 

 “Yes, I'm just waiting for the sunrise.” 

 Sanji was suspicious of the skeleton in his galley. Who knows what he has in store when the sun rises? 

* * *

 

Scully’s apartment

3 am.

Washington, DC

 

Scully woke up to pounding on her front door, she groggily climbs out of bed. She rubs her eyes then cocks her gun on the nightstand. “Coming, coming!” She says as she's walking to the door. She unlocks the door and opens it. Monica is still wearing her pajamas and is holding a bouquet of roses.

“M-Monica?” Scully sets the gun down on a table.

“Hi, Scully, can I come in?” 

“Sure, come on in. Why are you here so early? We’re not leaving till six o’clock.” Scully opens the door more to invite her in. 

Monica walks in and Scully shuts the door then locks it. Monica smiles, “I came here because I wanted to help you pack.” 

 

Monica helps herself to the kitchen, opens two cabinets and finally finds a vase. Then she fills it with water and arranges the roses into the vase. She sets the roses on the middle of the dining table. 

“Oh, well, I already packed. Would you like to go to sleep?” Scully chuckles and rubs her neck. 

 “Yes, sounds great.” Monica grins.

 “Okay, let's go!” 

Scully guides the way to her room. She lays down on the right side of the bed and Monica lies on the left, far apart. “I don't bite.” 

Monica gets closer and they fall asleep cuddling. 

* * *

Thousand Sunny

6:30 am

 

Brook walked out of the galley with his violin and started playing his most hated serenade, _Black Handkerchief of Happiness._

 

_White Handkerchief._

_Don't let him find you!_

_Run away!_

_O White Handkerchief…!_

_Don't let him get you,_

_That Octopus!_

_For that is a sin!_

_Look, there is a squid as well!_

 

“Brook! Kill the squid! Shishishishi.” Luffy yells. 

Zoro uses Chopper as ear plugs. He only works as a head covering. Sanji grabs Brook’s violin and sets it down then kicks him into the sea.

“Brook overboard!” Vivi yells.

Jinbe calls out, “I'll go get him!” Jinbe jumps into the sea to save Brook. He lands onto the ship and flops the skeleton on the deck. 

Nami walks out of her room and kicks Brook in the head, “Stop doing that!” 

 

Meanwhile, in the galley, a certain reindeer stirs. Chopper the head covering wakes up, “Huh? Why am I in the galley?” 

“Oh, you're awake. I brought you here.” Zoro mumbles.

“Oh okay! As long as I didn’t mysteriously sleepwalk here!” Chopper giggles. He carefully navigates off of Zoro’s head, onto his chest, “Wait a minute, Zoro, did you cuddle with me?!” Chopper excitedly asks. Zoro blushes and it doesn't go unnoticed by the cheerful reindeer, “Shut up, idiot. No, I don't cuddle.”

 A voice coming from the door frame chuckles, “Whatever you say, mosshead.” Sanji comes into view, grinning like a wild man. Zoro flips him off and Chopper jumps onto the floor. Then, a hungry mob of pirates run into the galley. 

“FOOD SANJI!” Luffy yells from his seat. 

“I didn't know your last name was Food, Sanji-san! Yohohohoho!” Brook wipes his tears with a white handkerchief.

“How about you shut the hell up? I'll put sleeping medicine in your food!” Sanji raises a leg ready to hit the skeleton, while balancing the breakfast he prepared in both hands.

“Cook-san, I'm sure you learned your lesson, when you put our captain in danger the last time you put anything into the food.” Robin sips her coffee and gives him a smile that almost says _I dare you._

Sanji lowers his leg to the ground and places the breakfast on the table, “I’m sorry, Nami-swan and Robin-chan. Dig in!” He sits down and serves himself. 

Nami clears her throat, “We need a plan for today.”

“A day with my three beautiful crew members sounds lovely!” Sanji gushes. 

Zoro grumbles, “Dumbass cook, let her tell us the plan.” 

“Thanks. We are being followed, so we’ll need to disguise ourselves. We need to lie low and not get noticed.” Nami says.

“So, what you’re saying is, we steal a…” Franky scratches his head, “what do they call it here?”

“RV?” Robin asks. 

“How did you know?” Franky asks and presses his nose; his hair changes to his old hair. 

“I saw you looking at an RV yesterday.”

“Super…” Franky blushes. “You spying on me?” 

Luffy laughs, “Yeah, Robin spies on everyone! Tell me what you have planned, DAD!”

Everyone but Robin spits out their beverages, “What?!” 

Franky coughs, “Did you just call me dad?” 

Luffy’s lips turn to the side, a clear sign that he's lying, “No.”

The room fills with laughter and then they continue eating their breakfast. Franky breaks the silence, “Anyway, I want to steal a RV, so we can go to the beach.”

“Who will watch the Sunny?” Jinbe inquires. 

“I hired a person to watch the Sunny.” Franky replies.

“Really? Who is this person?” Nami asks and takes a bite of her toast.

“Yeah, his name is CGB.” Franky answers and drinks his cola.

Luffy paused his eating, “CGB? What does that stand for?” 

“Well, he smelled like Sanji, like cigarettes.” 

“Maybe it stands for Cigarette Garbage Bastard!” Usopp laughed. 

Sanji must have misheard that and glares at the long-nosed sniper, “You say something, Usopp?” 

Usopp grabs Luffy’s arm, trying to slap the cook with the stretchy arm, “I wasn’t talking to you.” Usopp moves Luffy’s fingers to point at Sanji, “I was talking about the guy who calls himself, CGB.” 

Sanji’s anger deflates, he lets out a relieved breath. Usopp puts Luffy's arm down and links their fingers together. Luffy sets down his tenth bowl of oatmeal, squeezes Usopp’s hand gently “I have an idea. How about we call him Cigarette Smoking Man?” 

“Wow, we already have a stinky Cigarette Smoking Man on this ship, we don't need another!” Zoro growls. 

“It was that guy or this other guy named Alex Krycek.” Franky admits. 

“None of those names sound trustworthy, sweetie.” Robin puts her hand on his. 

Franky gets up and puts his dishes in the sink, “When we get ready to steal that RV, let’s talk to both of them.” 

“What are we going to do after we get the RV?” Luffy asks. 

“We’re going to the beach. The RV has everything we need to have a super American day at the beach!” Franky strikes his SUPER pose. 

Brook belches and asks, “Have you been hanging out with the locals, Franky-san?”

Franky grins and nods, “Well, after we hung out at the bar yesterday, I learned a thing or two from your super band friend!” 

“Oh yes! Jimmy Buffett-san! He was amazing to interact with.” Brook wipes his mouth where his lips would be if he had them! Skull joke!

“That sounds weird… Jimmy Buffett-san.” Franky scratches his chin, “Maybe drop the honorific only for him.”

The silly trio shudders, “Agreed.”

“Franky, you seem like you’re enjoying yourself.” Nami says with an eyebrow raised. 

“I don’t know… This place kinda feels normal to me.”

“I like it on you, Franky.” Robin says casually, knowing full well that they're in the presence of their crewmates. 

Sanji lets out a noise of disgust, “Robin-chwan, stoooop!” 

“Oh please, you’re not missing out on anything. You have Swordsman-san to satiate you, remember?” Robin winks. 

Both Zoro and Sanji are blushing like crazy. Zoro was in mid-bite with a fork in his mouth and almost choked on it. Nami and Vivi giggle at the sight in front of them. 

Nami recovers from the laughter and clears her throat, “Robin, that’s enough teasing. Everyone, let's finish breakfast. Then get dressed in our disguises and meet on the deck before we go.” 

“Maybe we can let Brook-san sleep in the RV as well?” Jinbe suggested.

Nami gasped, “That sounds like a great plan. Poor guy, he’s been on watch since last night.” She fixes her gaze on a certain green-haired swordsman, “I thought I told you to switch with him last night.” 

Zoro scratches the back of his neck, “Uh...” He shuts his mouth. _Oh no, my debt._ His eye widens at the realization. _I'll never be able to have money if I ever pay her back._

Nami grins evilly, “Your debt is at three hundred quadrillion beris. Keep it up, I'll just keep adding more.” 

 “Three hundred quadrillion beris? Navigator-san, don't you think that’s too much?” Robin puts her mug down.

Luffy grins, “Nami likes to make us owe her beris because that's her way of keeping all of us in check.”

Robin nods in agreement and turns her head to look at Nami, “Do I have any debts, Navigator-san?”

Nami smiles, “Nope. Robin, I only charge the guys.” Vivi giggles. 

“Very well then.” Robin shakes her head and smiles, “I’m finished with my plate. Would you like me to grab yours?” Nami nods and Robin gathers everyone's dirty plates. _Cook-san isn't protesting, perhaps it worked._ She thinks

“All right, now that breakfast has finished, here are all of our disguises.” Nami holds up a bag and takes out the contents. Black suits and trench coats for everyone.

“We’re gonna wear suits to the beach? I don't want to be ero-cook!” Zoro pouts and crosses his arms. Sanji stomps on his foot. “Oi!”

“Oh wait, this is for tonight! Sorry everyone.” Nami facepalms and puts the clothes back in the bag. She finds another bag and dumps it out. Bathing suits for everyone… and fourteen bunny ear headbands.

The silly trio jumps up and down, “We’re gonna be bunnies?! Woohoo!”

“I didn't buy those… What the hell is going on here?” Nami rubs her eyes, trying to wake herself up from this nightmare.

“Hmmm…” Robin hums. 

 Zoro, Luffy, Usopp, Jinbe, and Sanji freeze in place. They sense two people with intense auras. 

Who is disturbing the peace at 7 o’clock in the morning?

* * *

 

Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport

6:30 AM

 

Mulder yawns for the nth time today. He didn't get a great night's sleep because his neighbor was watching some strange show in what seemed to be Japanese. Maybe he’ll try asking the attractive redhead neighbor what she’s watching when he gets back from this pirate filled adventure. 

“Mulder, you’ve been staring at that magazine cover for an hour.” Scully taps the magazine to get his attention.

“Oh, oops.” He was too busy thinking to realize that he was staring at a magazine made for teenage girls. _Huh, I don't even remember getting that magazine._ “Hey, Scully?”

Scully smiles, “Yeah?” 

“When did I get this magazine?”

 “You bought it a while ago; you said ‘There’s material information for our trip in it.’ Whatever that means, Mulder.”

The only thing Mulder could think of to say was, “Huh.”

“Go ahead and read it, find out which *NSYNC member you’ll date.” Scully grinned. 

“Hilarious, Scully.” He flips to a random page, page 505:  instead of finding *NSYNC, he finds a page filled with someone’s notes. _What the heck is with this? There's not even five hundred pages in this!_  It looks like chicken scratch. The only words he can read are: Green. Reindeer. Skeleton. 

Mulder scratches his head and thinks, _The skeleton is a green reindeer? The skeleton likes green reindeer? There's a green reindeer skeleton? What does this mean?_ He gets up from his chair and the magazine falls on the floor. A perfectly written note flops out. Mulder bends down to pick it up. He reads the cursive handwriting.

 

_Mulder,_

_Don’t think too much. You look like an imbecile._

 

Mulder looks around. Perhaps this is a prank. Once he looks to his fellow agents, Monica, John and Scully, they look at him concerned. He continues reading.

 

_No, this isn’t a prank. I’m writing this note to tell you to not take down the Straw Hats. I am aware that this seems absurd. You have every right to ignore this note. Please consider it. These individuals have seen the craziest things. You have also seen crazy things. Perhaps they could help you and The X Files. Please do not tell Dana Scully about why you are rebelling against the FBI’s orders. If you do, there will be consequences for that. I know you love the X Files department._

_Sincerely,_

_C.G.B_

_PS._ _You might have lots in common with the members of The Straw Hat Pirates._

 

In chicken scratch handwriting, underneath the PS.  _See you soon, babe. Xoxoxo._

 

Mulder sits down in his chair and messes his hair up. _Oh no! Not only is Cancer Man in on this, so is Krycek! Dammit! I can't catch a break! I bet even if I do capture the pirates I’ll still get The X Files shut down again. If I don't, then we'll still deal with it being shut down._

 Monica’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, “Mulder, whatever that was about. Please don't make yourself go bald because of it.” 

Scully adds with a chuckle, “Please sleep on the plane too! Mulder, you’re already crazy as it is.” 

John doesn’t approve of their teasing, “Ladies, go easy on him. He’s stressed out.” 

 

A lady on an intercom announces, “Miami flight #309 will board soon.”

Mulder cheers, “All right, let's go, everyone!”

“There’s the Mulder we know!” Monica beams. 

 

The four of them gather their bags and head off to the gate. Luckily it was a brief walk, Mulder would have fallen asleep. John definitely didn't want that to happen. So, he kept tapping his shoulder, “Hey, Mulder, how much sleep did you get?”

“Uh, one hour.”

The ladies and John turned to look at Mulder, “What?!”

 “You heard me. My neighbor was watching some show! She was so happy about it.”

Monica frowned, “Oh no, what language?”

“It sounded Asian.”

“Was there moaning?”

Mulder blushes, “Uh… Yes.”

Monica pats his back, “Either she was watching hentai or an action anime.” 

 “Okay then…” Mulder suddenly feels very uncomfortable. 

“Wait, I think it was an action anime!”

“Huh? How would you know?”

Monica retracts her hand and rubs the back of her neck, “I was out patrolling with Agent Doggett.”

“You spying on all of us?”

John smiles and replies, “Yeah, we love you both!”

Usually in a situation like this, Mulder should feel concerned, but he trusts his fellow agents and friends. “Well, I love you both too. Back to my neighbor… Could you see what she was watching.”

“I saw green and what looked like a sword.” 

Mulder thought, _Green. Reindeer. Skeleton. Maybe it’s green reindeer skeleton swordsman?_

A brunette ticket clerk greeted him, “Sir, thank you for flying Delta. Have fun in Miami! Don’t forget to visit the Florida Keys.”

Scully smiled at the woman, “Do you recommend anything in the Florida Keys?”

“Yes, I recommend trying the Key Lime Pie!” The woman put stickers in their travel journals. 

“Thank you! I will try some!” Mulder grinned. They went to their seats. Agent Doggett and Mulder sat together; John wanted the window seat, so Mulder sat in the middle. Scully and Monica sat the row beside them.

* * *

Thousand Sunny

7 am

 

Who is disturbing the peace at seven o’clock in the morning? 

The two presences are approaching the Sunny. Luffy, Usopp, Zoro, Jinbe and Sanji can feel them walking closer.

Zoro comments, “Hey guys, you feel two people coming?” 

“Yeah, they don’t seem friendly.” Luffy notes. 

 

The Straw Hats walk on to the deck to see those two people the monster quartet and Usopp sensed with their Haki. To Zoro’s dismay, there’s another cigarette smoking man in a suit, but at least he’s older. An attractive man wearing a leather jacket and a black turtleneck shirt is standing next to the cigarette smoking man.

The smoking man takes a drag from his cigarette, “Hello, Franky. Are you going out today?” 

Franky rubs the back of his neck, “Uh… Yeah.”

The man wastes no time, “Would you mind giving us a tour of your beloved ship?” He receives glares from the Straw Hats, they ready their weapons and abilities. He calmly says, “I will not do anything to your ship. I promise.” 

Zoro unsheathes his katana Shusui and holds it where the man is, “You try anything and you’re dead.”

The man raises his arms in surrender, “I won’t do anything.”

The attractive man next to the older man, pats his leather jacket and seems to find what he was looking for. He pulls out a black object; it’s obviously a gun, but different. He cocks the gun, “All right, everyone put away your weapons and, uh, lower your feet.” 

The Straw Hats don’t lower their weapons. Luffy clears his throat loudly, “Hey! You too, dummy!” 

The attractive man grins and chuckles, “Sorry about that.” He uncocks the gun and puts it in the holster on his belt. 

“I’m Monkey D. Luffy! I’m gonna be King of the Pirates! What’s your name?” Luffy beams and jumps on the Southernmost point buoy. The attractive man jumps a little.

He points at himself, “Uh, I’m Alex Krycek.” Then he points to the older man, “He’s Cigarette Smoking Man, but you can call him whatever you want.”

Cigarette Smoking Man smiles, “Hello, Monkey.”

Luffy frowns and growls, “It’s Luffy! My last name is Monkey.”

Krycek’s eyes widen then he smiles, “Oh… I understand now, you’re using last name then first name order.” 

“Huh? Whatever.” Luffy waves it off.  “Do you want to see the ship?” He grins.

Cigarette Smoking Man smirks, “Would be a pleasure.” 

The remaining Straw Hats gawk. These two men just appeared and tried to shoot them! Why is he so easy to trust people?! 

Luffy laughs and jumps down from the buoy, “Come on, let’s go.” He grabs the two men with his stretchy arms.

Krycek shrieks, “Wait, wait, Luffy, nooooo!”

Luffy stops grabbing the poor men and shouts towards the ship, “Hey, Franky, get a plank for these guys.”

Franky sighs, “Sure thing, Captain.” He puts a thumbs up and goes to his workshop. He returns with wood and nails. 

Krycek lets out a breath of relief; he is too young to die, especially at the hands of pirates in the stupidest way possible. Cigarette Smoking Man just chuckles, something about the straw hat wearing boy reminds him of his estranged son Mulder.

Franky sets the plank with a rail up in five seconds flat. Krycek stares in awe and thinks, _These people are crazy._ Franky gives Krycek and the older man a thumbs up, Krycek is first to walk up the plank. _I thought these things were for kicking people off. Huh. Weird._ Once again, he’s amazed by the ship. The deck is covered in grass, it’s a very healthy shade of green. It matches the swordsman’s hair... _Wait, green?!_ He’s staring at the swordsman, and said man glares at him, “What the hell are you looking at?” 

“Uh, sorry. Your hair. It’s green.”

Zoro frowns and raises an eyebrow, “So?”

Sanji whispers in Zoro’s ear, “No one has colorful hair colors here.” 

Zoro looks at Krycek and smirks, “Yes, my hair is green. And yes, it’s my natural hair color. You’re all just weirdos with no color!” 

Krycek stays quiet, the swordsman’s aura is intense. There is a radar going off somewhere in his mind, he smirks, “So, you doing anything later, Mr?”

Sanji almost chokes on the cigarette in his mouth, “What?!”

Zoro smirks, “At least ask my name first and no thank you.” 

“Right, I’m Alex Krycek.” He holds out a hand waiting for a handshake, but the man never shakes it.

“I’m Roronoa Zoro.” He points at Sanji, “That’s ero-cook, skirt chaser, curly eyebrows bastard.” He chuckles.

Sanji growls, “It’s Black Leg Sanji! Thank you very much.”

The sight before him reminds Krycek of his little romance with Mulder, although it’s not as nice. It’s clear these two idiots love each other.

“Nice to meet you, Sanji and Zoro.”

“You seem to be reminiscing, do you have a feisty lady at home?” Sanji gushes. 

Krycek shakes his head, “No, a man actually. A very annoying bastard that hates my guts.”

Zoro chuckles, “I knew there was something interesting about you.” 

Sanji’s attention to the conversation disappears, and he rushes to tend to the ladies’ needs. The two watch him leave. Zoro smiles and Krycek frowns and shakes his head, _No need to try to make amends. I have a mission to accomplish._

 Zoro notices the man’s frown and offers something that helps cheer himself up, “So, do you drink?” 

 Krycek smiles and looks at Zoro, “Yeah I do. Whatcha got?”

Zoro puts a hand on his chin, “Hmmm, we have cheap wine, whiskey, sake and rum.”

“Oh, so pirates do have rum!”

Zoro raises an eyebrow, “What else would we have?”

Krycek chuckles and shakes his head, “Never mind that. Let’s have sake. I haven’t tried that.”

“What?! You haven’t had sake! What do you drink then?!”

Krycek dismisses that with a wave of his hand, “Let’s drink!” He goes straight and opens a door. It’s a bedroom with hammocks and everything. He guesses these guys sleep in a pile.  

“Oi, that’s the men’s bunkroom. If you want to sniff our socks or something then by all means stay here. The booze is upstairs.” Zoro says from the door and points up even though Krycek isn’t facing him. 

“That doesn’t seem interesting at all.” 

“Great, let’s go then.” Zoro steps out of the door and Krycek follows. 

Krycek notices that all of the pirates aren’t outside on the deck anymore. He hears what sounds like shouting, whatever it is it sounds cute. Zoro opens the door to the galley, the straw hats are sitting at the table, minus the silly trio. Cigarette Smoking Man, Luffy and Usopp sitting on the couch with Chopper on Usopp’s lap. Krycek looks at the cute creature and asks, “Are you a deer? You’re so cute.”

“I’m a reindeer. Your compliments don’t make me happy, asshole~!” Chopper wiggles, Usopp laughs. 

Krycek gasps, “You can talk and you’re a reindeer. You have a cyborg crew member. A Shark-man. And a rubbery captain. Aliens!”

Usopp laughs, “You should’ve seen Fish-Man Island. Mermaids and fish-man galore. Oh and I, the great Usopp, have tamed the Kraken and made it my pet.”

Luffy pipes in, “Oi, oi, oi, Usopp, I tamed Surume! Shishishishi!”

The rest of the Straw hats laugh, Krycek smiles. A comfortable silence falls on the group.

 

Luffy strokes above Chopper’s ears and looks at the smoking older man, “So... Old Cigarette Bastard Man, what are you doing here and why have you been watching us?” 

“Well, I came here to inform you that there will be people coming to take you down tomorrow.”

Chopper shrieks, “What? Really?!”

“Yes, but unfortunately, I can’t tell you anymore. The rest is classified.”

“Classified, the hell is that?” Zoro touches the hilt of his katana, “Classified my ass. Why did you even bother telling us that if it’s classified?”

The chain smoker cook in the kitchen stops pouring the coffee for Cigarette Bastard Man. CBM sighs, “I cannot say anymore.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on adding Krycek and Cigarette Smoking Man. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


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